My wife calls me the day before “Saeed, I cant take care of a duck in the middle of all this, I really cant”
“did you say duck?!”
“yes, some Mr George, dad’s friend, dropped it off”
“wait, we have a duck at home?”
“Ya, and its running around ruining all my plants”.
“but where is it now?”
“on the terrace, and its ruining my terrace garden”
“but why terrace, what if it flies off?!” We’re both talking very loudly by now, you must’ve guessed
“it wont fly off, it’s a duck”
“but what if it even attempts to, why is it on the terrace?!”
“I don’t think he’s figured that out as yet” Oh, wow.
I meet the duck, and he seemed pretty lonely, they have to be kept in pairs apparently. The kids are ofcourse super excited, and my wife’s cracked how to get hold of a running duck in a day, by the neck if you please. “but you’re choking it!” “No, that’s the way you hold it, by the lower end of the neck” Luckily we had the gardener who intervened with an “illa, ma….”, rescued the poor fellow and let it breathe.
The next day- phonecall- “Saeed, we can’t possibly keep this duck, it hasn’t eaten a thing since yesterday, its gonna die, I don’t know what to feed it”
Easy – “just google it”
“I did, it says bird feed and duck feed and all that, I don’t know what duck feed is”
What the fuck does a duck eat?! This was getting tricky. I call back, take a deep breath-
“Cant we eat the duck?”
“No! Alhaan will just break down. He was uncontrollable when the turtle died last time. He just loves this duck, and anyway, we don’t know how to make duck”
Roast duck. I could easily get help from some friend. I even looked up turducken, and reflected on the Malabar version I’d eaten in Calicut years ago.
Nope, dead end. Hours pass. Phone call-
Wife: “Yaaay!! I know what they eat. Maggots!”
“we have maggots?!!”
“millions of them!”
“millions of maggots?!!!”
“yes! In my composter” …Oh….
“you put the duck in the composter?!!”
“No you nutcase, I put the maggots on a piece of paper. The duck’s just feasting on em. yaaay!!!”
Edit: We did end up eating the poor fellow, and, I have to admit, it was yum:)